Committed to being wrong and strong

I was 11 years old. I just started secondary school. Myself and my dad lived in a bed sit with 1 bed. He had a new girlfriend who owned her own house a mile or two down the road. I went days without seeing him. I think he felt guilty so he invited his girlfriend to sleep over. Bare in mind we had to share a bed. I was abused while living with my mother and was terrified. I lay as still as I could and tried not to breath. They have sex next to me.

Moving on to present year. I confront him. He shouts and me and says “oh come on do you think I would put you in danger.” Like I am wrong to hold on to this traumatizing event that still effects me age 33.

My son is 11 now. I wouldnt dream of doing that to him even with my husband. I cry with just the thought of anyone doing that to my child.

But I’m wrong Mr wrong and strong?

I NEED to get so much off my chest so I can grow up. I am 34 in 2 days. I am stuck in the time of my trauma. I dont want to be.

Buried memories

When you are in year 5 and move to live with your dad in a ghetto area, from a household where u still watch disney and believe in fairies, dolly Parton and billie holiday. You get bullied. Then one day Tammy Watkins beats you up so bad. You had never been in a fight before. You go home and cry to your dad and he screams at you till you cry and says “dont come in my house and tell me no one put their hand on my child again! Next time you do, I’ll bus your ass”.

Then you start secondary school. You are 4″10 size 4 shoe. Your dad sends you to school in size 7 shoes and you cant walk properly. You get bullied profoundly. Now your scared to go home and tell your dad because he is 6″5 and you are scared of that beating he promised you if this ever happened again. So you FIGHT!!! You spread your peacock feathers, learn all the slang and make sure, that as small as you are people will be scared to mess with you. You get into a fight and beat the girl bad. The next day you are in school and all the pupils scurry around and come to tell you. “Your dad is here, your dad is here!” He takes you home and beats you so bad you cant walk and have to call an ambulance. Forever branded a bad girl because of the fighting and hated by your family because you had to call and ambulance and in turn they called the police. You didnt know it was illegal to beat your child. Now everyone hates you and your sent to foster care. Your dad comes and says “come home but if you fall out a line I’ll do it again coz your my child” you are so scared you take your chances with the dumping ground life. Your family hate you for the rest of your life. You have noone!

Dr Frankenstein why don’t you love me???